PPC: The Playscript: Episode II
Thee Exciteing Sequel to oure PPC Playscripte! Join Alex ande Mortic as theye travell HQ! Laugh at thee
hilaritie! Grone at thee badde jokes! Feare thee PPC!
Scene I: Response Centre
[Empty stage for five seconds. Then, enter Alex SL, dragging Sam. Sounds of screaming from offstage SL until Alex pulls out a Remote Activator and presses it. Silence]
Alex: [Still holding Sam] Come on, Sam. Donít do this to me!
Sam: Help... Medical...
Alex: I canít go down there! You wonít last! Why did those idiots send us into the Battle of the Eru-forsaken Pelennor Fields?
Sam: ĎSue... Angmar...
Alex: Oh, I know that. What I donít know is why they didnít tell us that was the start of the fic. Or that the Battle was about ten times more intense than Tolkien intended. And especially that the Witch King would have all eight of the other Nazgul with him! That is just unfair! [Looks down at Sam, who is silent] Sam! Wake up! [Shakes Sam] Youíre starting to fade... oh Eru, why did you have to get in the way of that blade? You know Aragorn would have been alright again at the end... Sam!
[Sam is unconscious. Alex looks around desparately, then looks down at the Remote Activator]
Alex: There are rules, I know... but this is an emergency.
[Alex points RA off SL and presses button. Sound effect or blue light. Alex starts to drag Sam off SL]
Alex: Donít worry, Sam, itís going to be all right. Iíll make sure of it.
[Exit Alex and Sam SL]
End Scene IScene II: The SOís Office
[SO is standing behind a desk to SL. Enter Alex SR. Alex moves to stand in front of the desk]
Alex: You called me, sir?
SO: Yes, Agent, I did. Your partner is recovering, but the wound Agent Apple received was severe. Iím afraid a full recovery will take several days.
Alex: [Gasps] That long? But... I canít go on missions alone! Not for so long! Am I getting a temporary partner?
SO: Iím afraid not. You know how short-staffed we are these days.
Alex: If you think you can send me out there alone...
SO: No, we have ascertained that this would be detrimental to your health to an extent that will end up costing us more than we lose by keeping you in. We have a different task for you.
Alex: Er... youíre not going to send me back to the DIA, are you?
SO: I must admit, we had thought of it. On consulting Agent Black, however, we were informed that any efforts to do such a thing would result in violence of the weedkiller and flamethrower variety. However, the task we have in mind is related to that incident. You recall the Daisy you encountered while hunting Agent Cadbury?
Alex: Yes, of course. How is he?
[Enter Daisy SR]
Daisy: I am fine, thank you, Agent. It is good to see you again.
Alex: Uh, yeah, you too.
SO: You will be working with the Daisy on a project to map Headquarters.
Alex & Daisy: [In unison] WHAT?
Alex: [Continues] Are you mad? Everyone knows that HQ is so tangled up with plotholes, portals and Escher rooms that thereís no way of mapping it!
SO: In three dimensions, what you say is true. However, in six, it seems that everything becomes plain and simple.
Alex: Well, great, but sadly I canít see in six dimensions.
SO: Fortunately, you wonít have to. The Department of Sufficiently Advanced Technology has recently finished a modification of portal opening technology. [Indicates a Device on the desk] Rather than looking for space-time ripples with which to open portals Ė ripples which are visible mainly in six dimensions Ė the Device finds the flow of ripples corresponding to corridors and suchlike. Then it maps them.
Alex: [Stares at the SO] So, er... what did you need us to do?
SO: The Device has not yet been perfected. It requires someone to carry it from place to place, and to add in the names of the places on the map.
Alex: Still, you donít really need two of us.
SO: Agent Orange, donít defy me. I am your Head of Department, and you will do what I say.
Alex: [Takes a step back] Yessir! At once sir!
[Alex grabs the Device and exits at a run SR. Silence]
SO: Youíd better follow. We donít want anything to happen to our Agents.
Daisy: Yes, sir. At once, sir.
[Exit Daisy SR]
SO: There go a couple of suckers.
End Scene IIScene III: A Corridor
[Enter Alex and Daisy SR. Alex is holding the Device]
Alex: So, tell me, how does this thing work?
Daisy: Let's see. You know about the three so-called 'physical' dimensions, yes?
Alex: Up and down, side to side, and back and forth, yes. And the fourth one is time. But what about the other two?
Daisy: Very good. The other two, then, are probability and consciousness.
Alex: But that can't be right. You can't move in consciousness, or probability for that matter. [Pause] Can you?
Daisy: Agent Orange, you move in probability every time you go into an alternate fic-verse. And, to a lesser extent, every time you use a portal. It's the difference between the probability of you being at one end over the other, and the ability to change those probabilities, that make them work.
Alex: Portals change probabilities? But they can't do that without changing the laws of physics. If they try, they make a-
Daisy: Plothole, yes. Not many people know this, but portals were originally made from plotholes. In fact, as I've just explained, they still are.
Alex: [Nods slowly] All right. Probability, yes. But what about consciousness?
Daisy: Alex, you already know about this one. How do you get between places in HQ as fast as possible?
Alex: You don't pay attention to the route. Everyone knows... oh. Oh
Daisy: Exactly. A move 'backwards' in consciousness, that is, a move towards the unconscious, tends to make the route shorter. I say tends to, as there are some places, such as where you first met me, where it is still necessary to be on the right floor.
Alex: I see. It makes sense, yes. So, er... how do you explain this?
End Scene IIIScene IV: Another Response Centre
[Enter Mortic SL at a run. Points a Remote Activator back off SL and presses button. Stops in centre-stage]
Mortic: What in Arda was that? [Pause] Ellie? [Pause. Mortic spins around] Ellie! Where are you?
[There is no response. Mortic is frozen for a moment, and then runs to SR and yells at the console (offstage)]
Mortic: Computer! Location check and status report on Agent Elanor Laison! And quickly!
[A moment's pause, and then the console speaks. Voice like 'Hal' from 2001: A Space Odyessy]
Console: Agent Laison is located in Lothlorien, in the universe of 'Worlds Collide', by writer 'LegozLuvr'. She has not moved in one minute and six seconds, and all vital signs have ceased. There is a pink arrow with frilled fletching sticking out of her back, and another through her right eye.
[Silence. Mortic slumps to the floor and sobs]
Mortic: Why, Ellie, why? Why did we go into such an awful fic? Thirteen warrior 'Sues, a Fellowship of five, nine new Rings... that thing should just have been nuked from orbit. I don't care what policy says, they can't make us go into things like that. [Pauses and looks back towards SL] Ha, no, they can't anymore. They'll never make you do anything again. It's not fair!
[There is a pause. Mortic slowly stands up and faces SL]
Mortic: [Quietly] No. It's not fair. And it's not going to happen again. I swear, your death will not be in vain. I'm going to the SO's office immediately.
[Mortic turns and exits SR]
End Scene IVScene V: Escher Room
[A room that looks like that in Escher's Relativity or the one at the end of the film Labyrinth (David Bowie, 1986). Alex and the Daisy are standing at center stage]
Alex: Simple? Obvious? It's madness is what it is!
Daisy: I'm afraid you are incorrect. This room is a perfectly normal result of the changing dimensions of probability.
Alex: How? There are staircases on the ceiling! And doors in the floor! There must be at least four different planes of gravity in here!
Daisy: Exactly. The change is in the most probable direction of gravity. As I said, it's quite simple.
Alex: No, but look, that can't be right, because... wait, who's that?
[Alex and the Daisy look up at the ceiling]
Daisy: I believe that is Agent Mortic Wentway.
Alex: Yeah, that's what I thought. [Calls] Hey, Mortic!
Mortic: [Offstage] Yes? What? Who are... Alex?
Alex: Yep! Where are you off to in such a hurry?
Mortic: [Offstage] I'm off to see the S.O. [Angry] He sent me into the worst 'fic in history - even worse than that 'Celebrian' abomination - and got my partner killed!
[Alex and the Daisy shudder in unison]
Alex: Worse than Celebrian? Is that even possible?
Mortic: [Offstage] Oh, it's possible all right. And fatal. But, look, I've got to get to the S.O's office as quickly as possible. I don't suppose you know the way?
Alex: As it happens, I think we can help on that...
Mortic: [Offstage] Great! I'll be right down!
Alex: [To Daisy] Do we have enough map to do this?
Daisy: I believe so. However, there may be some minor errors.
Alex: I'm sure that won't be too much trouble. As long as we don't end up in the Weapons Testing lab...
Daisy: The probability of that is sufficiently low not to be of concern.
Alex: Well, that's good.
[Enter Mortic SL]
Alex: [Continued] Hi Mortic. Nice to see you again. I wish it could have been a happier occasion.
Mortic: Yeah, me too. What are you two doing?
Alex: You want the long version or the short?
Mortic: Short. Definitely short. The last time you gave me the long version, it took three and a half hours.
Alex: And the short version was three words. Yes, I remember. Okay. Sam got injured on a mission and is stuck over in Medical. The S.O. decided that the Daisy and I should work on a map of HQ. We're nearly done with this section. It can get you to the S.O's office in the shortest possible time.
Mortic: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!
[The Daisy taps the Device, which bleeps in a quiteter version of the Console/CAD noise]
Daisy: [Points to SR] This way. Let's go.
[Exit Alex, Mortic and Daisy SR]
End Scene VScene VI: DoDAEG
[A room in grey. Enter Daisy, followed by Alex and Mortic, SL]
Daisy: And this should be it.
Mortic: Er, I hate to be rude, but this doesn't look like the Sunflower's office.
Cal: The Sunflower? In here? No chance of that. He never brings his lovely silvery self down here, oh no.
[Enter Cal SR]
Alex: [To Mortic] But the Sunflower is yellow... isn't he?
Mortic: He always looked it to me.
Cal: Yellow? How could he be yellow? Yellow would never be able to reflect the light well enough, silly humans.
Alex: Who are we talking about here?
Mortic: And where are we, anyway?
Daisy: And if they are silly humans, what does that make you?
Cal: My, my, so many questions. You organics are so curious. To answer them in order, I was referring to the Slaver Sunflower, head of this department, the Department of Dead Author Electricity Generation. And I am a CAL-9000 series android, Human/Cyborg relations model, with an Interaction version 3.1 program. Did not the metal body give you a hint about this?
Daisy: Oh, I'm sorry, I assumed that it was some sort of fashion statement.
[Cal glares at the Daisy]
Alex: [To Mortic] What was our robotic friend referring to?
Mortic: Slaver Sunflower. From the Ringworld universe, I believe. They shoot rays of reflected sunlight and burn things to a crisp.
Alex: ... oh. Not a Head you want to mess with, then?
Mortic: Certainly not. Speaking of Flowers, where's the Daisy going?
[The Daisy exits angrily SL. After a moment there is a loud whirring noise from off SR]
Cal: Oh, my, now look what you've done. I'm not supposed to let them hit Critical Velocity...
[Cal moves towards SR]
Alex: What's going on?
Cal: There must have been a particularly bad Canon breach somewhere. It looks like... yes, Tolkien's gone into overdrive again. That's the third time this week - the badfics resulting from those films have him spinning in his grave so fast I'm amazed he doesn't form a wormhole.
[Exit Cal SR. After a moment, the whirring gets quieter and Cal re-enters SR]
Cal: That should do the trick. I've had to take Philip K. Dick and Douglas Adams offline. If this keeps up, poor Tolkien will be powering HQ all by himself.
Alex: What do you suppose caused that?
[Sounds of fangirl squeals from off SL]
Mortic: I think we may be about to find out... come on!
[Exit Mortic at a run SL]
Alex: Why do they always run towards the screams? [Shrugs] I'd better follow. Nice meeting you, Cal.
Cal: It was a pleasant experience for me also...
[Exit Alex at a run SL]
Cal: [Continuing] ... I don't think.
[Whirring starts up again]
Cal: All right, all right, I'm coming.
[Exit Cal SR]
End Scene VIScene VII: A corridor
[Enter Mortic and Alex SR. The Daisy is lying at centrestage]
Mortic: Well, whatever was here, it's gone now.
Alex: Yes, it looks like - wait, is that the Daisy?
[Alex and Mortic run over to the Daisy]
Alex: Dear Eru... what happened to you?
Daisy: Fangirls... 'Sues... invasion...
[Alex and Mortic stare at each other in horror]
Alex: We have to stop them.
Alex: But first we have to take the poor Daisy down to Medical.
[Alex pulls out a Remote Activator and points it off SL. Light/sound]
Mortic: Hey... you do know that there are rules against using those things in HQ, don't you?
Alex: It's an emergency. They'll understand.
[Alex drags the Daisy off SL, then reenters SL after a few seconds. End sound/light]
Alex: They'll take good care of it. Now, which way did they go?
[Mortic looks left, then right, then back at Alex]
Mortic: I'm supposed to know? You should have asked the Daisy.
Alex: Well, if it hadn't been a life or death situation, I would have. However... do you have any idea where they might have gone?
Mortic: Well, let me think... fangirls... 'Sues... oh. Of course. It's obvious, really.
Mortic: The only place in HQ where you'll always find Canon characters - the Department of Fictional Psychology.
Alex: Great! So, er... how do we get there?
Mortic: [Sighs] You're the one with the map, Alex.
Alex: But it doesn't work.
Mortic: Right now, it's the only chance we've got.
Alex: What about my Remote Activator?
Mortic: Looks like it's fallen into a plothole. Sorry.
Alex: Oh... right. Let's go, then.
Mortic: Not quite. I need some stuff from the canteen first.
Alex: Where's that?
Mortic: You're standing right in front of it. Back in a minute.
[Exit Mortic SR, then re-enter after a few seconds with four flasks. Holds out two to Alex]
Mortic: Here. You'll need these.
[Alex takes the flasks uncertainly]
Alex: Er... what's in them?
Mortic: You'll see. No time to explain right now. Which way to FicPsych?
Alex: [Presses a button on the Device] That way. [Points off SL]
Mortic: Right. Off we go, then.
[Mortic starts to run off SL]
Alex: But... [Exit Mortic SL] ... gah! You're impossible!
[Exit Alex at a run SL]
End Scene VIIScene VIII: Another Corridor
[Alex and Mortic enter SR, Alex reading directions out from the screen and both following them. (Note: 'Down' is a crouch) At the end of Alex's line, they stop at centre stage]
Alex: Left... right... down... up... left... right... what the...?
Alex: How are we supposed to move forwards in consciousness?
Mortic: Ah, I was wondering when that would come up.
Alex: Well, do you have any bright ideas about what to do?
Mortic: Of course.
Alex: You... do?
Mortic: Of course. Open one of those flasks.
[Alex opens a flask and sniffs]
Alex: Ow! Eru, that's strong! How is alcohol supposed to help here?
Mortic: Oh, that's the wrong one. Other flask?
Alex: [Closes that flask, opens the other and sniffs] ...coffee?
Mortic: That's right!
Alex: Er... why?
Mortic: Coffee wakes you up, right? Makes you more alert? As in moves you towards consciousness?
Alex: ... ooh, that's clever. But what about the other flask?
Mortic: That'd be the rhum. For the move in the opposite direction.
Alex: Why rum?
Mortic: It's not rum. It's rhum. R-H-U-M. A recent discovery. Extreme alcohol content, with very few side effects.
Alex: Oh... good.
Mortic: ... are we going, then?
Alex: Oh, yes, sure.
[Mortic takes a drink from one flask. After a moment Alex does the same]
Alex: Now that is good coffee. Let's go!
[Exit Alex and Mortic SL at a run]
End Scene VIIIScene IX: Yet Another Corridor
[Enter Alex and Mortic at a run SL. As before, Alex is calling out directions. Line ends as they stop centre stage]
Alex: Left... down... up a bit... unconscious [Both drink from the rhum-flask. Both switch to Captain Jack Sparrow speech/movement]... starboard... Woah. What the blazes in happenin'?
Mortic: Oh, that'd be the rhum, mate. 'S one of the mysterious and little-known side effects of that splendid little beverage.
Alex: Absolutely bleedin' lovely. I sound like Jack Sparrow!
Mortic: That's Captain Jack Sparrow. Savvy?
Alex: You'd been waiting to say that, hadn't you?
Mortic: Most likely. Sorry.
Alex: Don't do it again. Can we please drink some coffee to get rid of this ridiculous accent? 'S rather annoying, really.
Mortic: [holds the coffee out of reach, teasing] What, you don't like it? Personally, I think it's rather attractive.
Alex: [pulls out an old pistol] I'm taking the coffee, savvy? [Mortic hands it over. Alex takes a drink from the coffee flask] That's better.
Mortic: [Sighs and drinks from the coffee flask also] Hey... why couldn't you use your own flask? And where did the pistol come from?
Alex: [Shrugs] Author's whim?
Mortic: Oh, of course. Oh, blast - now we have to take the longer route.
Alex: It'll be worth it.
Mortic: Yeah, I suppose so. But it would have been nice to keep the role just a little longer.
Alex: [Sighs] Tell you what, once we've finished this, I'll let you drink as much as you want.
Alex: [Pressing buttons on the Device] No... unconscious... [Looks up] Is being hyper a side effect too?
Mortic: No, that's just down to my naturally radiant and cheerful personality.
Alex: That's a 'yes', then.
Mortic: Yeah, pretty much. Shall we get going?
Alex: Yep, sure. It's this way. [Points off SR] Come on! [Runs off SR]
Mortic: I'm coming, I'm coming. [Runs off SR]
End Scene IXScene X: Outside FicPsych
[The Fern sits at the back on the stage. Enter Alex and Mortic SR. Walk towards centre stage]
Alex: ... and this is it.
Mortic: Well, finally.
[They stop at centre stage]
Mortic: It's awfully quiet... are you sure we're in the right place?
Alex: Er... I can't see a sign... [Notices the Fern] Hey, is this the Department of Fictional Psychology?
Fern: We couldn't hold them... they came out of the walls... fangirls, fangirls, everywhere, and not a drop of bleepka... they took the Canons... Bast only knows what's happening to them... help us.
Alex: ... I'm guessing that's a yes.
Mortic: [Spanish accent] Ah, how's that for brainpower?
Alex: [To the Fern] Do you need medical attention?
Fern: No, no, I'm... fine. I'll live. But please... go and find them. Poor Legolas...
Alex: Ai Valar... they've got Legolas. He's doomed. Which way did they go?
Fern: ...they're still in there...
Alex: [Frowns] Are you sure? They're very-
[Scream from off SL. Alex jumps, dropping the Device]
Alex: [Continued] ... quiet. Okay. [Walks to SL and calls offstage] You realise you'll never get out, don't you?
Fangirl: [Offstage] Like, we don't care! We've got our Leggy!
[Behind Alex, Mortic picks up the Device and studies it]
Alex: And if you stay in there, you will all starve to death! You can't eat him, you know!
Fangirl: [Offstage] But he's so yummy!
Fern: There's a a door round the back... but I don't know where it leads.
Alex: If you come out now, I can make sure that you're well treated! We'll kill you very quickly!
Fangirl: [Offstage] Like, no! We're staying with Leggy!
[Mortic presses a button on the Device]
Mortic: [To Fern] I think I can find a way in.
[Exit Mortic SR]
Alex: Is there anyone else I can talk to?
Fangirl: [Offstage] No, now go away!
Alex: Look, we know there are a lot of you in there. Why can't someone else talk?
Fangirl: [Offstage] They're all, like, busy.
Fangirl: [Offstage] Yes. Like, the beds here are soft, and warm, and very very big.
Alex: Stop ripping off Monty Python!
Fangirl: [Offstage] Monty who?
[Alex groans. There is a pause, and then...]
Fangirl: [Offstage] Like, get away! You can't have my Leggy! No! [Screams]
Mortic: [Offstage] Don't worry. It's not Legolas I'm after.
[Enter Mortic SL, armed with a glitterstained sword or covered in glitter]
Mortic: Well, that's them dealt with. I would have preferred to kill them slowly, but I'm afraid there were too many.
Alex: What... but... how did you...
Mortic: Your map works. Isn't it wonderful?
Alex: Er... yes... but... oh. That means I've finished. Which means they'll start sending me off on missions... alone.
[Enter Sam SR, quietly]
Mortic: [Noticing Sam] Oh, I'm sure they won't do that.
Alex: [Facing away from Sam, hasn't noticed] Yes they will. They won't have a choice. Sam's still in Medical and probably won't be out for days and it's all my fault!
[Mortic starts to move towards Alex, but stops at Sam's gesture. Sam moves over behind Alex]
Sam: [Quietly] It wasn't your fault.
Alex: Thanks, Mortic, but... wait... that wasn't... [Turns around] Sam! [Glomps]
Sam: Hello, Alex. I hear you've been having a rather interesting time without me.
Alex: Oh, you would not believe some of the things I've been doing.
[Behind them, Mortic takes a drink from the Rhum flask and goes into Captain Jack Sparrow mode]
Mortic: [Swaggers over to Alex and Sam] Well! I'm actually feeling rather good about this. I think we've all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually... Ecumenically... Grammatically? And so, as everythin' has worked out so well, I propose we all go down to the cafeteria and celebrate!
Alex: [Rolls eyes] You're drinking it already?
Sam: Drinking what? What is that stuff?
Alex and Mortic: [In unison] Rhum. Savvy?
[All three laugh and exit SR]
End Scene X